Being "Just" Friends

Can men and women be "just" friends?  A NPR show delved into the topic earlier this month.  


The gist of the story is this:  a study at Utah State asked male and female students this very question and overall, women said yes, while men said no.  Additionally, men and women in cross-gender (I’m assuming heterosexuality for the remainder of this post) friendships show an interesting trend: the men report more unexpressed feelings of attraction to the woman and also assume the friend is more interested in them than woman in cross-gender friendships do.  The story goes on to suggest that it's all evolution; that platonic co-ed relationships are an evolutionary novelty, and that men who received vague or subtle sexual signals were at a disadvantage if they did not follow through, so evolution encourages men who may be getting mixed messages to err on the side of assuming the potential for mating.


Setting aside the biology, which does make sense, do you think guys and gals can be friends to the same level of depth and honesty that same sex friends can?  In what circumstances can this be the case?  


Is it based on age?  Clearly, college age men are at the peak of sexual appetites, so there are a host of reasons why a study of college-age co-ed friends might not be representative of all cross-gender friendships.  It seems like toddlers and young children can be equally good friends with boys and girls, aside from that whole cooties thing.  What about middle age and elderly?  Do we stop trying to have strong co-ed relationships after getting burned as youths?  Is it easier as we get older? 


Does it depend on relationship status, agnostic of age?  If both the guy and gal are in serious committed relationship with other people, is their friendship unencumbered by this "it's all evolution" argument?  From personal experience, I can say I had and have very honest friendships with the male college roommates of my fiancé.  I was never "available" and I think that allowed us to be friends on a level that we might not have achieved had I been single.  I don't think there are many topics, personal, academic, or embarrassing, that we didn't discuss.  


Are there other factors?  Physically proximity, perhaps?  


On the other hand, despite the close friendships with T’s roommates, I also embody the quintessential anecdote for those who say that men and women cannot be friends.  T and I were best friends throughout late middle school and high school.  I remember multiple dinner table discussions with my family and older brother suggesting that teenage boys and girls cannot be friends, that one of us must secretly have a crush on the other.  At the time, I defiantly stood up for our friendship and assumed my older brother was just teasing as brothers do.  Fast forward to late high school and our relationship became romantic and now we’re engaged to be married in a few months.  I vividly remember how conflicted I was about our first kiss, though.  I was very aware of the fact that we were bridging the gap from platonic to romantic and after being “just” friends for so long, we wouldn’t be able to – easily – go back to that.  


Overall, I suggest that single men and woman – at least in the teens and early adulthood and quite possibly at all ages – cannot really be “just” friends.  If one or both are in visible, serious romantic relationships, I think it becomes possible for the party in a relationship to engage in a deep, honest friendship and perhaps the other person can, too.  I speculate that men and women who are both in committed relationships with others can successfully manage a serious platonic relationship, but that it might create its own set of challenges (jealousy?) for those romantic pairs.


Hattip to EX for sharing the article.  What do you think - weigh in in the comments.